Part 2.
Grey
The echo of his voice from two months ago kept on bouncing in my head.
‘I’ll do everything in my power to make this work. I’ll adapt to you. That’s what a relationship is about. Adapting to each other and growing. I want to be a better boyfriend. I want to be a better man. I want to become a man, I don’t want to be a boy anymore.’
Tender yet strong words, that have embedded themselves into my tissues, my bones and warming up my blood, helping my heart pump.
How terrible it will be, if these words will be ripped out from me. I’ll become mutilated again. Again and again. All over again.
Years and years of regeneration and restoration will be flushed down the drain. It will be grave and painful. I can feel it. Again.
He sat across me on the other side of the couch. It was so cold. I was freezing. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t find any warmth around me. My throat, frozen and dry, my eyes, avoiding contact. ‘This is my personality’ — he said. ‘It cannot be changed. You have to get used to it.’
Some time later …
As I was trying to occupy myself sitting in the group listening to a conversation I did not understand, I tried to encourage myself. I can do this. This is okay, its his birthday today, this is not about me. Yet… it would feel so good if he would at least look at me once. Just a touch. A smile. Something that says ‘I’m here and I’m glad that you’re here too.’ After all, I’m suppose to be his girlfriend, am I …? My anxiety was rapidly switching between stagnating and peaking, as I tried to find the right time to say at least a word. To be part of his group at least just for a split second. Something that says ‘I’m here too.’ My moment arrived, and I googled that thing, and I was so proud to show it to the guy across me. I felt like a child. Finally seen for a second. Maybe he’s going to appreciate that I finally tried to say something, even though it was in English.
And then it happened. The usual. The me-thing. The chick’s coffee that was placed next to me found its way into my elbow, then straight to the ground. My jeans and white shoes, soaked in the brown liquid kinda stuck to my skin. The girl immediately said ‘Oh don’t worry, they’ll just bring another one.’
I looked at him. He started at the ground. Didn’t move his eyes, didn’t look at me. He equipped that usual irritated, and tense expression and have pretended that I’m not even there. As if I was not sitting in front of him among his friends.
‘Fuck this.’ — I thought. ‘Fuck this shit.’ — I took a deep breath to calm myself and sit through the humiliation and disrespect soaked in some chick’s coffee. ‘Fuck this shit.’ None of them looked at me. And to him, I stopped existing for that hour.
Some time later …
‘You’ve interrupted me and my friend’s conversation.’ — he said, again, with that good old expressionless face.
‘I’m sorry, what?’ — I asked trying not to lose my patience. Doing my best to not explode.
‘I was talking with my friend and you’ve showed your phone in his face. This was disrespectful. It’s what my parents have taught me all my life. To never interrupt people when they are talking.’
I halted. Hesitated. Tried to process the things I’m seeing and hearing. Trying to understand the duality of this love. Or perhaps… the duality… of this personality.
Fluid
My anxiety grew and grew with each centimetre that was between us. He sat across me and took a few minutes to recompose himself, to gather his thoughts. I’ve observed that as he began to explore the connections between his thoughts and mapped out his path towards me, the tension that usually surrounded him suddenly dropped. He changed so quickly. I have to get used to this. As I was trapped in the good old freeze-response, aware of this, he approached me and placed his hands around my waist. His skin was warm and inviting, and slowly, I felt the grip of the ice releasing me. I took a deep breath, and with a long exhale, my shoulders dropped.
‘Look babe… this is very difficult, you know, but as I promised you, I’m here to be open-minded. I have my own weird way of working and… I wanted to thank you deeply for putting up with so much shit… So much shit from me, really. I see your efforts, maybe sometimes a bit later, but I always recognise them. No one has ever done that for me, and no one has ever endured so much just to be with me. So, I wanted to thank you for that first of all.’
The noise in my head, silenced. Suddenly, there was nothing else in the room, just me and him, and my undivided attention. His eyes were sparkling as he looked at me.
‘We’ll find a spot where our needs can meet halfway. You’ll pay attention to the things I’ve said, and I’ll keep saying them — and I’ll pay more attention to you, as I’ve promised. I’m sorry for the mood swings. I know how hard it is for you. I love you so much, and I really appreciate that you’re here.’ — he added.
Some time later …
‘Oh no, baby! Haha! Are you okay?’ — he jumped out from his chair as I found myself soaking in his friend’s coffee. ‘Do you need a napkin?’ — He grabbed my shoulder and grinned — ‘I’ll tell them to get you a new coffee!’ — he nodded to the girl. ‘Haha, what a day! It’s okay to be nervous a bit babe, don’t even worry! Oh and…’ — he leaned closer to me whispering — ‘My love next time please wait until I finish talking with him, I get triggered sometimes when people interrupt me, I hope that’s okay with you.’ — he whispered quickly as there wasn’t much time and the day was about to advance further. He didn’t want to have a bad moment in this day. It was his day. And I wished the best for him with every cell of mine.
‘Of course my love, oh my god, I’m so sorry for being cringe and clumsy! I love you so much and thank you my love for being here with me!’ — I said, overflowing with emotions. Before I could get even more emotional, the conversation and the breakfast commenced further, as if nothing would’ve happened. I exhaled deeply and readied myself for the day.
