Part 3.
Grey
They were all sitting around me. Around a ghost. Time and distnance have started to reform the memory into something spikey. It stung.
The ghost-girlfriend. Sitting there, idle, in unexistence. The girl who sat next to me took a massive bite from her breakfast sandwich. Then she reached out with her hand, holding her half-bitten food, and offered a bite to my boyfriend. I didn’t move. My mind is racing like a wild horse. Why is she not offering it to her own boyfriend? Are they this close? I didn’t know. There are so many things I don’t know. If she behaves like this with him, then I wonder what the other girl was like, who called him ‘her home’.
I sat, static, like the good ghost I was. The ‘foreign object in the body’.
Some time passed.
We all walked the cinema halls. I, according to my given role, the outlander, walked behind them. My boyfriend hurried to the front, reaching her, holding her shoulders, and asking how she was; at least, I suppose that’s what he asked. They’ve talked for a long time.
I, still alone, walked forward, grasping that stupid bowl of nachos. At least I had something to hold on to and a purpose. My design was to hold the nachos.
Pain. Irrelevance. Exclusion. Inattentiveness.
Why am I here? What is my purpose here? What is my purpose in his life? What is his purpose with me? I want to go home.
More time has passed.
Again, in a group. Standing. Behind him. I kept on reaching for him. His arm. Hey … I’m here. I’m your girlfriend … Hey …
She held onto her boyfriend, while looking deeply at the face of mine. I am a woman too. I know that look. I know what it means. And it sent blades into my stomach, striking through the organs. I felt my disgust flaming up from the inside.
Profound contempt.
She’s dreaming of holding him instead. She’s great at masking, though. Gifted with an incredible low self-esteem for her lack of beauty. Face. Eyes. Figure...
More time has passed ...
‘Hey babe ... I don’t think your friend likes me.’ — I said as I knew it already at the first meeting. That look on her face as she gazed upon me, analyzing me from the top to the bottom. Hatred and jealousy. Disgust merged with shame. A deeply rooted, uncharted shame.
I see you, sister. Even if no one else does or will, I do. I feel your shame.
‘She’s like that with everyone she meets for the first time, don’t worry. She’s a great person, I respect her deeply.’ — his voice echoing in my mind as I watch the same distain in her eyes looking at me for the third or fourth time. I don’t even know anymore.
‘She’s like that with everyone, don’t worry …’
The echo bounced in dense shadow and mist.
‘I deeply respect her …’
The walls of pain and self-protection has emerged, pushing in another memory …
‘She said, that I am like a home to her. She’s my best friend …’
-
Fluid
She takes a bite from that juicy, mouth-watering breakfast sandwich, then smiles at me. As a woman, she probably feels that I’m really uncomfortable. Alone.
She reconsiders, knowing that I’m really important for him. Even if she doesn’t know me, and she’s ashamed of herself and withdraws to shyness, she tries. For him. After all, he’s one of her best friends.
‘Do you like the churros?’ — she asks suddenly.
My heart dropped. Did she just talk to me? I blushed. She must have noticed that I tried to talk to her earlier and said so many random things.
‘I do; actually, they are amazing, I never had this for breakfast in my entire life, and I don’t even know how to eat them properly.’ — I replied, chukling from nervousness.
‘Didn’t he explain to you before?’ — she pointed at my boy. ‘Oh well’ — a girly eye roll. ‘Let me explain …’
My heart, fluttering, like butterfly wings. She’s kind. She’s a sister. I feel safe. Respected. Valued. What’s important to him, is important to them as well …
Some time later …
I kept on grasping that bowl of nachos, feeling kind of like an idiot. Why did I even order this? Just to hold something, because he’s not holding my hands enough … This is pathetic … I am pathetic …
He suddenly noticed. It takes time for him to awaken to the reality that he has someone important now in his life, and the dynamic he has lived in so far with his friends and family is changing. Reforming into something more beautiful. And additional. It’s not just family and friends now. It’s all of this, reforged in love. In pure love.
I’m patient. I understand all this. But still, it gets lonely sometimes and a bit defenseless. Vulnerable.
He hurried after me to defeat the monster of walking-alone. He grabbed my hand.
‘Come with me, my love, why are you walking here all alone, sweetheart?’ — he said with a great-wide smile on his face.
‘Come, come!’ — he said, and we jumped forward like gazelles. We approached her, as she was walking alone as well, for some reason, right at the front. He held my hand so tight. It was so warm. I didn’t even care what was happening around me when he held my hand that tight.
Nothing really mattered. Just his hands, and that he holds in this fondness.
‘Why are you walking alone, are you okay?’ — he said to her and grabbed her shoulders. I glanced at her as well, concerned. I touched her shoulders gently. She might not be that comfortable with me yet.
‘Is everything okay?’ — I asked.
‘Yeah, yeah, of course, it’s just this movie was so boring… and that part when …’
I really appreciated that they’ve continued most of the conversation in English. After a while, I just zoned out and focused on the warmth of his hands. I felt so happy there in that moment. Among them.
I almost forgot how comforting it is to be among friends one can trust. I wish I could stay longer… And not just a few days ... I’ll be gone soon … Who knows, when will I return …
The winds … the winds are rising … I can feel it …
The wind … is cold… How is this possible .. This world should be fluid … and warm …
Why is the cold here … Something’s coming … And we’re not ready …
