Part 1
Guide to the dual world journals;
The concept of dual reality portrays the dynamics of the everydays simultaneously living in the present “the grey” world and in the imaginary “the fluid” world.
While the grey world describes everything according to reality, the fluid world fills in the gaps and while the mind hungers and suffers in the grey world, the fluid world’s purpose is to be comforting.
Grey
I stared curiously at the small rounded stone decorated with their initials. A+C. My mind, naively wandered away, but in the back of my skull, I knew the truth. To my own surprise, it didn’t affect me as much as I expected. I felt empty inside. Still, non-reactive. On that day I’ve already stood up for myself and for many people at work, and the only thing I felt looking at my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend’s initials carved inside a heart shaped stone, was a deep sense of weariness.
There was no place for rage or anxiety anymore. I just glanced at it, emotionless, blank, like a grey paper that’s never going to see colors.
‘My love?'—I asked kindly.
‘Yea?’ — he replied.
‘I wanted to ask you about this thing’— I pointed at the white pebble — ’that there.’
The air immediately turned stiff, and I could feel the good old, familiar stress and anxiety ruling over my insides.
‘Stones.’ — he said in a voice, vibrating with tension. — ‘Those are stones.’
‘Okay.’ — I said and walked away, making my way into the kitchen, washing some dishes. I’ll give him some time, I thought. My heart shrunk, and my spirit took a deep dive. I’m tired. I’m so very tired.
Some time later...
The floor was cold and it made me remember all the floors all over the world where I crouched, staring at something from behind my gushing tears. It’s always something like the conjunction of the floor and the wall or a small crack in the paving.
Always something insignificant but hauntingly familiar. Cold. Isolated. In the same household, yet still so far apart.
I am here again. Stuck inside the same circle as always. I’m here again. Why am I here again?
Fluid
‘I wanted to ask you about this thing’ — I pointed at the white pebble — ’that there.’
He stopped and hesitated for a second, registering what I’m poiting at and what is the question that’s being asked. He wasn’t expecting this right now.
After some time passed, he recollected himself, just like he learned in therapy and took a deep breath.
‘Look, love, I have failed to notice that this object from my past is here again.’ — his voice was calm, serene and reassuring.
‘I know how hard it was for you the last time, and I know that this is something difficult as well, due to your past. I’m here to heal this with you as I promised, so if you want we can throw this stupid stone out together, or I will do it alone. I’m really sorry. Come here, let me hug you. I’m here.’
My body started to loosen up as I approached him and found myself in the warmth of his embrace. His arms, always so warm, circling around me, providing that reassurance and safety I needed so much. My emotions slowly started to return to my body as I felt his energy and mine colliding, flowing though my limbs, arms, and finally, my chest.
I released a deep sigh and as appreciation filled my body, the magic words echoed in my mind ‘Im here’ …‘Im here’ …‘Im here’ …
I felt, that this is finally working, and I am at a place of safety, where nothing can harm me and I am protected. Respected. Nurtured. Just like a delicate flower.
A flower that needs to blossom.
