Further Down

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Never was I ever,
Someone’s first choice
Never was I ever,
Someone’s refuge
Was I always ever,
A tool used, twisted and twirled
Bended, my life ended
Many times over, and over again.

Never was I ever,
A chapter turning into a franchise
Nor an inspiration for a better life,
I was merely a lesson, an unpleasant one
That is best to get quickly done.

When it came to lies, rape and violence
Suddenly, I was valuable, a material
That could be subjected to experiment,
A heart, that seems to be elastic
Something that bounces, endless.

Subjected to abused fantasies,
Positions and options, you have seem to surpass
The fact, that I had a human heart
And what does the heart do, upon torture
Cries and screams, in utter loss of hope,
The dynamic snaps, the fabric cracks.

Never was I ever, been greeted above the ego,
But talked down and judged,
From below a concealed heart
Blamed, then abandoned,
Loved, without a heart.

Words have lost every meaning,
Actions are all deceiving, I don’t trust anymore
Not even what I see with my eyes,
What I hear, and what I feel has been always
Disowned, belittled and spat on,
Feeling like a distorted curve, I’ve lost everything
That I was building up before,
Always from all over and over, and over again.

People, poison, feelings, a lie,
I should have never, ever sat
By your side,
You are a toxin, that blinded me for a while
Your lies and tears, of fake smiles,
A coward, is what you are, hiding
Behind your woman, how vile,
As I said, I am disappointed
But not surprised.

I wonder merely then, why have you took the liberty
To make my heart smile, when all where we were going,
Is a place where emotions die, and the heart cries.

You embedded yourself, inside flesh and blood,
In the middle of my heart, you started to grow
Spreading your veins and roots, growing further,
Down my throat,
Only to one day, rip yourself out, removed
Like an organ, torn asunder
A mutilation, over and over again,
Nothing but a butchery, always just a clutchery
From the warm heavens, blinking into
The harrowing infernals.

I am tired, beyond comprehension,
My soul is a secondhand
And I know, I know that most times,
When we love, we give and give and give,
And only give and just give and give
We get nothing in return,
And we get nothing in return,
And there is nothing to do, I get nothing in return
But tell me, please someone,
Tell me
Is this the only way? Is there any other way?

Will I just continue to give and give,
And slowly then disintegrate,
Leaving nothing behind,
Only dust and memories
Of burning feelings, and a girl,
With tired eyes,
Collapsing once on the streets
In her mind,
She’ll never wake up again.

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Sara S.

Sara S.

Content creator using writing as a tool to carve the stone of self expression.