Towards acceptance
There is a dark fog on my mind. He began to appear in my dreams. The psychological process of letting go has activated in the subconscious.
Dusky dreams had risen and a darkened mask made from heavy lead was placed upon my face.
The mask fits perfectly into the shape of my cheeks, as if it were made for me. Perhaps it really was. I can feel the heavy substance pulling my skin down. Yet, I am still. I feel, as if the mask is a seal.
It acts as a dam, preventing the flow of emotions. The psychological burden of my father’s passing has taken the shape and form of a dark mask made out of lead, that now sits tightly, pressing my skin. This writing isn’t coherent. Neither are my thoughts.
This mask is heavy. I can’t take it off alone.
I saw it in his eyes. He knew what was coming. He’s afraid. He’s waiting.
We are scattered. We are all scattered. How many are we? I can’t see through this mask. I can’t breathe or feel the air through it. It closes down everything that would come from the outside. There is no breeze, no touch, no warmth nor cold that can reach me.
I am doomed. The lead has flown into my brain. My soul. It doesn’t just sit on my face. It prevents me from certain processes. From cooperation and processing. Does it protect? What does it do?
I want to see him. I want to accept it all. I have to take this mask off.
— under the light: processing
May 21st, 2022
